ROWER, KNOW THINE ENEMY

(**NB - FOR THOSE OF YOU LACKING A SENSE OF HUMOUR, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE TONGUE IN CHEEK - NOT A CALL TO ARMS)

From the happy chat on the rest of Underground's pages you may be under the allusion that rowing at Twickenham is a peaceful, nay restful sport. The rower turns up at the club, faffs around for an hour or so, then goes for a gentle but gruelling three hour paddle, from lock to lock to lock to lock to lock to lock....

Ahhh, were it only the case, for, alas dear reader, rowing can be a very hazardous sport. So for those of you interested in taking up our aquatic antics, we at Underground have produced the definitive guide:

1. CANOEISTS	DETAILS Go around in flocks of up to 20 - usually without lights on the wrong side of the river, in the dark. Guaranteed to take absolutely no notice of 'closed to navigation' signs and have a habit of getting in the way when you're doing pieces. Canoeists have big shoulders and wasted legs and some of them don't even serve alcohol in their club house. THE ROWERS REVENGE As illustrated on the left, canoes sink, canoes sink easily, infact canoes sink very easily, so be creative. If a flock of canoeists suddenly blocks the river in the middle of a firm piece, don't swear, don't mutter... just get your cox to easy, brace your arms and don't drop the blades. Brian Dorling is very experienced in dealing with canoeists and will be happy to give you some tips if asked!
2. FISHERMEN	DETAILS More of an irritation than an actual hazzard although some of the younger ones have been known to carry (and use) air rifles. Fishermen can be found in various habitats on the Thames: some drive motorised crates which they stake in the middle of the river then complain when you go thrashing past 'scaring the fish'. Others stay firmly on the bank and complain when their lines get caught round blades because the oncoming pleasure cruiser(see enemy no 3.) which is on the wrong side of the river avoiding the yacht, (see enemy no 4.) has left you a gap slightly narrower than the span of the oars, to get through. A gap which contains several fishermen who all seem convinced it's YOUR fault.. THE ROWERS REVENGE Difficult one this, as fishermen come equiped with guns; sharp hooks and worms. You can get your coach to keep sending wakes towards the floating fishermen while ensuring you're at a safe distance but it's best to avoid any altercation with the land based variety. If the worst comes to the worst, pay Henry to coach the improver women within earshot, this should quickly drive them away.
3. CRUSIERS	DETAILS Unfortunately a problem with the London Borough of Richmond Upon Thames is the large number of prats who own large pleasure launches because they've got too much money. Ocean going cruisers driven by imcompetents at high speed produce large wakes and large wakes sink boats. It's especially ironic when the culprits are standing at the back of their boat cooing "oh look rowers how nice" as they drench you. THE ROWERS REVENGE Swearing may make you feel better, but cries of "kill your f***ing wake you c**t" rarely help (especially as they probably don't know what a wake is), much better to make note of the name of the boat as you slowly sink below the Thames and report them to the PLA afterwards, nb this doesn't work as well when the culprit is the Harbour Master.
4. YACHTS / DINGHIES	DETAILS They loiter around the end of Eel Pie Island going no-where fast, (apart from lunging rapidly into your path when you're practising starts.) Yachts tend to be a seasonal hazzard- appearing as if by magic on fair weather Sundays and they normally don't venture out of bed before 10am. THE ROWERS REVENGE They don't really do it deliberatly so best to view them as the rowing equivalent of dodgems, dinghies flip easily but are large and unpredicatable enough to do serious damage to a shell boat. Try holding the boat up -pointedly- just before impact, then sit there waiting for them to move, while muttering under your breath - younger yachtists will get flustered and capsize.
5. KILLER DUCKS	DETAILS Big ducks with sharp pointy teeth. You know they're out to get you and you know, they know you know - but they don't care. In fact they crap all over the hard just to show their contempt. Non-rowers may feed them bread and call them swans but we know they are the spawn of Satan. THE ROWERS REVENGE Sharpen your cleavers, wear life jackets in the boat and keep a cross by your foot plate. And, if all else fails - swim for it...
6. OTHER ROWERS	A SELECTION OF WEB SITES... I suppose we have include other clubs as they tend to be the ones we're supposed to get competitive with. Below is a list of some of the better London based club websites... VESTA RC THAMES RC UNOFFICIAL SITE FURNIVALL SCULLERS AURIOL KENSINGTON MOLESEY BOAT CLUB