CRYING OFF?

The Slug can exclusively reveal that that the GB trials lightweight women have found a new way of making weight - dehydration through exessive tear gland activity.

Reports received from this weekend's trials "oop north in Notty" suggest that perhaps they've all been together a bit too long and have simultaneously reached the cyclic peak of hormonal temperamentality.

Blubbing was the name, crying off was the game. One rower known only as "Tiger" even managed to cry off at a distance and never made it to Nottingham to explain personally, that she was suffering from the dreaded "aches". Remarkably, the Slug estimates this means that Tiger has not attended a single trials session since early 1998 - that's either one world record breaking ache, or one world record breaking shopping spree with all our lottery money........ meiouw.

Other lighties were having heavy periods at the sight of their first run's results (call themselves lightweights and they're still having periods?...ED), and were unable to do it all again for the second run. As a redult The poor on site doctor was horribly overworked, handing out sanitary napkins and tissues, as there was such a lot to mop up.

Now maybe the Slug has missed the point here, but shouldn't the (half-fat) creme de la creme of GB lightweight girls at least be able to do the job for which they are paid - and RACE?!

SOME PEOPLE NEVER LEARN

Regular readers of the Tideway slug will remember a recent article entitled "WHOOPS" about one of the Cambridge colleges (Queen's to be exact) who were being a bit blase about their finances.

We can now fill you in on the on-going saga, as the Slug was greatly amused to hear that Queen's, having been recently presented with a replacement cheque for £6,500 cheque from Cantabs, (a mere 18 months after noticing that the original had been lost), have only gone and lost the second cheque as well...

Obviously they just don't need the money...

BOOK OF DESTINY

Upper Thames is always happy to puff up its chest and declare that they are blessed to be able to row on God's River - the Henley Reach.However, it seems that dark forces abound, restricting their access to the river - which inevitably results in some acrimonious exchanges with that most highly regarded of establishments - the Environment Agency.

It occurs to the Slug that the Environment Agency, aware of their declining favour with rowers, has come up with a cunning plan to make rowing clubs self destruct - they make them self appoint a Safety Officer.

The willing volunteer for this post at UTRC is none other than Mr Toby Matthews - he of the famously large chest deparment - and he has seized on his responsibilities with glee.

No more need rowers fling themselves at the mercy of the terrifyingly fast Henley stream, deal with the terror of getting their little pinkies wet when the savage waters come over the landing stage or fear that crashing into the Island will suddenly end their promising rowing careers. Oh no, rest easy faithful reader, because all at Upper Thames are protected by a force powerful enough to overcome all that the River can hurl at them - the Signing Out Book.

Yes - this talisman guarantees, to all who dare boat, that there will be a clear record of when they went out. Full stop. Well that should sort it all out then...

This giver of life, this protector of oarsmen,this Signing Out Book - is managed with alacrity by Toby, who will halt all advances to the landing stage with a mighty roar "have you signed the book?" For it is no longer God's River - it is Toby's River. For he is Thorax - God of Safety. And he knows what time you boated.........."