TENSE, NERVOUS HEADACHE?

Never underestimate the strong feelings and drives of those who compete on the low performance rowing circuit, for the slug knows it can be just as cut throat as at international level, a fact that is well demonstrated by an incident at Coate Water Park regatta on Saturday…

During the final of Women's S3 pairs (bound to be a top class event) the two crews competing, one from Reading and one from City of Oxford, were suffering from fairly bad steering over the course and not surprisingly, came together with an almighty crunch, grinding to a complete halt about five metres before the finish line. Once the initial shock had passed, the crews untangled themselves and awaited the umpires decision as to whom should be disqualified… er not quite. What actually happened, is that seeing the proximity of "a pot" there for the taking only meters away, the Reading pair decided that they were going for it big time..

Unfortunatley there was a slight problem with this cunning plan, for they were still tangled up with the City of Oxford pair… but undeterred off they went and THWACK … one large blade straight into the head of one of the City girls. Needless to say the girl at the wrong end of the oar handle (now suffering a bad headache) got a bit upset and grabbing her own blade started trying to stab back at the Reading rower … "you complete bitch" she shrieked, as the worse case of on water handbags the slug has seen in ages erupted.

Quality.

ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT

The Slug went with its feelers twitching to check out what's going on at Upper Thames this weekend. The Slug is delighted to report that the UTRC men's and women's groups in the club are getting on very well, all the crews are world class and definitely not arsesome at all and there are absolutely no problems or issues that every single other rowing club in the world deals with on a day to day basis.

The women's group is currently on holiday.

REGATTA MADNESS

The slug is pleased to announce that the annual "Piss Up In A Brewery Award" goes yet again to Bedford Regatta, who retain their title for the umpteenth year running. Despite receiving staunch competition from the organisers of St Neots regatta last summer, Bedford clinched the trophy with the following gems:

A women's IV+ from Cantabs were hanging around at the start waiting patiently for there opposition when another women's IV+ who were also waiting to race asked "Have you seen your other crew who we're supposed to be racing?"

"Err... we scratched that entry" replied the Cantabs girls, slightly embarassed ." We told the regatta secretary last Tuesday...".

Special mention must also go to the finish judge who decided to award a race against the CCAT S4 men's VIII despite the fact that anyone with the power of sight could see that they had actually won. When CCAT duly lined up on the start for their next heat, the start marshal was adamant that they had lost the previous race and that therefore should not be there. Despite their protestations, the marshal was having none of it from CCAT, who were then forced to find their defeated opponents from the last heat and get them to point out to the marshal that it was indeed CCAT, and not they, who had in fact won....

More fun from the Cambridge Sprint Regatta a.k.a "Britain's Most Stupid Regatta Course" which produced more than its fair share of dead heats, not too surprising when you realise than the course is only 300m long.

The "We Wuz Robbed, Honest Guv" Award goes to an unfortunate 2- from Cygnet RC, who despite having been drawn on the boathouse station in a lane buoyed twice as wide as that given to their Rob Roy opponents on the Common side, decided that it still wasn't quite wide enough for them. After having been warned multiple times by the umpires for straying into the opponents' lane, the inevitable happened and the Cygnet stroke man's blade clashed with the stern of the Rob's pair causing Cygnet to gracefully flip their pair and capsize, creating the biggest cheer of the day from the numerous spectators.

Unwillinging to accept their defeat the bedraggled Cygnet pair, hauled themselves and their boat out of the Cam and tried to appeal for obstruction by the Robs boys

"You should have appealed immediately at the end of the race" pointed out one onlooker, "that's the rules." [rules of racing 2.7.2].

"But we were underwater at the time..." whined one of the Cygnet guys. Oddly enough he didn't seem very impressed when the onlooker retorted, "Well you should have stuck your hand above the water then, shouldn't you??????"

A big saucer of milk goes jointly to the two 1st and 3rd Trinity crews who met in the final of novice men's fours. The false start awarded against the crew on the boathouse station must have been the source of some friction between the boys, judging by the somewhat ungracious "salutations" given by the eventual winning boathouse side crew to their fellow club mates (whom they defeated by the narrowest of margins), leading to some unseemly handbags at dawn between them.

It's always refreshing to see such club camaraderie. Especially as the slug suspects that these two fours are two halves of a Mays eight? Could be interesting...

PLAYING WITH THE BIG GIRLS

Several weeks after showing the punters from Fenland Polytechnic how it should be done, the men's and women's Oxford Blue Boat crews continue to celebrate their victories. Last night, on the 47th night of consecutive partying and general depravity, the two crews finally met... and the slug could tell they meant business as the OUWBC girls were resplendent in their Hawaiian shirts and flip flops.

Both OUBC and OUWBC were keen to assert their superiority and traditional beer-downing methods were resorted to, as results on the water have been unable to separate the two crews. The 6'6" frame of newly elected OUBC president Dan "my dad's on the telly" Snow being pitted rather unfairly against the 5'7" frame of outgoing OUWBC secretary, Katie "Ming" King.

Unfortunately for Dan he was unaware that he was facing a beer drinker of Olympic quality in Ms King and promptly proceeded to:

  • lose by a margin of several lengths
  • throw up violently all over the table he was standing over

    As the night drew to a close in one of Oxford's more glamorous nightspots, Katie could be seen powering her way through several more beer circuits, while Dan swayed gently in the non-existent breeze.

    Peter Snow was unavailable for comment as he was on the telly.

    • EX WORLD CHAMP TAKES 2000!

    During a brief break between the last training session of the day and dinner of the recent Thames Training Camp two of the Thames RC coaches asked two unsuspecting rowers if they would like to join them for a quick trip in a quad before dinner. No problems as it all seemed very innocent, or so they thought...

    So a leisurely sculling session began, in bow was Head Coach. Not to give any names away as this may incriminate him...(and theft is an inditable offence)...we will only say his that his first name sounds like THiimon, if you have a lisp and his last rhymes with BOX and starts with C...oh and he is apparently a Ex World Champion. In 2 seat sat the Womens Sweep Coach..who was apparantly an accessory to the crime and therefore should also not be named...needless to say his first name rhymes with Barry, starts with G but only has one R and his surname rhymes with STUBS and may contain one more B).

    With the scene set and the names of these deviants suitably disguised, the slug can now tell you the real story..

    The two man was looking illustrious in a grey 'Thames Junior Squad 1908 all in one' believed to have been provided by the late T. Pitt who recently passed away due to asphyixiation by his own ego (a sad and tragic case..ED). This stunning smeggy, grey, (perhaps silver in its day...), all in one had to be tied by the other two unsuspecting crew members at the back, to prevent it from falling off "Barry Stubs'" (Alias remember) enormous frame.

    In the boat and off they go. Sculling along the 2000m course and then spinning at the 300m mark. Upon the return journey Thimon Box (alias), steering yells,

    "10 points for the 500 mt marker"...

    Then proceeds to plough straight into the buoy (about 1 mt in diameter) and take the 500 m marker out of the middle and pass it to the front of the boat for the baffled stroke girl to keep at her feet...this of course actually introduced a large fender type signage board to the front end of the Quad. The outing then proceeded to,

    "10 points for the 1000mt marker"

    Plough straight into that one too. Pass it to the stroke girl. The stern is loading up at this stage and of course in no way looked like two large buoy markers had being stolen and were sticking out the front of the boat.. (cough cough.). Then

    "20 points for the 2000mt marker ".

    Really smacked into this one. Pass those to the stroke girl.

    The presence of three 50cm x 1.25 mt buoy markers loaded into the stern end of the quad were not making sculling easy, so it was time to head in and stop all this coaching tom foolery....the buoy markers were later seen in room 66 and then in the bar and then at the base of the stairs to a Chateau...

    The slug fears the real question is - did they ever go back? Because the Danish Juniors and the French squad were seen training the next morning and when they were doing their 2km pieces they just kept going....