MORE FUN AT THE DOCKS

It would seem that Mark Hawes isn't the only London RC rower to suffer from mid-race digestive tract problems, as the following tale of woe concerning American LRC member Liam "Everybody knows Canada is the 51st US State" Krehbiel, demonstrates.

Liam kindly agreed to sub into the blue boys Thames Cup B VIII at the Docks this weekend, after resident 4 seat "Tall" Paul Willcocks was struck down with food poisoning. On Saturday all was fine, and Liam (being a stickler for wearing clean kit), decided to wash his lycra that night in preparation for Sunday's racing.

But come Sunday morning, his all-in one was still too wet to wear for the 9:24am race, so Mike "Cheeky" Kerrigan made the fatal mistake of lending Liam his spare lycra...

All was well for the first 500m of the warm up until, Liam accidentally, (for want of a better phrase) 'followed through'. Fortunately for Liam, he was wearing underwear at the time - unfortunately, the London boys had decided to boat early to get in a longer warm up and there was much faffing by the officials, so they didn't manage to get off the water for another 20-25 mins, giving "it" ample chance to "seep through".

After a race debrief, Liam made his way to the spanky new toilets at the regatta centre to "debrief" himself. After cleaning himself up and dispensing of his underpants, he discovered that he had left his own unique signature on Mike's lycra. At this point Liam began to wish he had brought his damp lycra with him after all, for he was due to race in his coxed IV at 2:30 that afternoon.

Alas, not having any other kit with him, and his chances of borrowing another one-piece, now less that zero, he had no option but to continue to wear the offending lycra and ended up reeking for the rest of the day!

Elsewhere at the docks The Slug was looking forward to watching some utterly non-arsesome performances from Upper Thames. In fact, the Slug was so excited about witnessing the assured World Class performances from UTRC, that the rails around the course were covered in the slime of anticipation, throughout over the two day rowfest that is Docklands.

But woe, for the Slug was left hanging on and disappointed. There was no women's coxed four (as they had loaded their boat on the wrong trailer - yes, it's true), no women's scullers or pairs (for they had done the same things) and no men's coxless four (alleged to have overloaded on cakes and reported in sick). There was a merely a mediocre performance from a women's quad, but at least they had their boat.

The Slug mourns this poor showing, for it is not the kind of performance that the rowing world has come to expect from Upper Thames, indeed we all look forward to seeing the club rise again, like something that floats. Like a boat, for example. Or something like that... etc. etc.

DANGEROUS BUSINESS COXING

Oxford summer comedy rowing week ended on Saturday and despite early worries about the stream, most of the racing went ahead in the end. Oriel men's crew managed to stay head despite running into a wall during their traditional - easy and do four air strokes - fly by of their boathouse, Pembroke women went head for the first time ever, on Wednesday and fought off a challenge from New college, who got to within two feet of the Pembroke girls on Saturday, to stay there. The slug is assured by someone that knows, that their success is all down to their demi-god-like coach (a.k.a. Dr Pain) and has nothing whatsoever to do with a very silly pink hat.

Those of you who have never competed in the madness that is bumps racing may gain some understanding of what is can be like from the saga of Mansfield chasing New chasing Corpus on Thursday...

As is want to happen, New bumped Corpus at which point Corpus' cox froze and allowed the boat (a nice little Aylings Olympian) to swing out and block the river. So doing the only thing they could, Mansfield held it up hard, neatly managing to avoid contact with either New or Corpus who were by then impaled on each other and the bank.

15 seconds (during which the marshals could have sounded a klaxon and stopped the race) pass.

Well, hoorah, here come Somerville. The Mansfield cox gets whacked on the head by the back of a blade. Somerville somehow go past. Feeling a bit stunned, the poor girl leans forward in the boat trying to lower her head - for hoorah, here come the lovely Linacre stroked by "Adolf Oakleys" himself!!!

A blade then catches the Mansfield cox on the back of her leg and somehow she is flipped into the water. She is under for about 30 seconds, first forgetting how to swim then worrying in case she gets smacked on the head by a blade or rudder as she surfaces.

Having made it safely to the surface she then heaves herself back into the boat. Blood everywhere from some gashes on her leg. Stroke looks as if he's about to chunder and swaps places quickly with 7 who does his best to assume the bedside manner of any doctor out of ER.

At this point the safety boat showed up and the damage was as follows:

  • 1 kg of clinical waste - bloodied gauzes, bandages, tape
  • 2 f*cked ligaments
  • 3 stitches (courtesy of rudder wires; nuts and bolts)
  • 1 clean superficial gash from a blade - very painful as across a pulled muscle
  • Livid bruising everywhere
  • More bandages and dressings
  • Coproxamol and a shot of a muscle relaxant
  • Suspected small fracture in ankle, shock and concussion (luckily only suspected)
  • 1 soggy and very upset boyfriend
  • And the final indignity: tetanus and weill's prophylaxis jabs in the butt!

    Not one to shy from a challenge, we're happy to report that the cox'n in question was back in the boat the following day - some people have no sense!!

    • REVENGE OF THE LITTLE PEOPLE

    The Slug has a tale of warning for you all, as it seems that members of the rowing world are being stalked by a serial "pusher".

    This came to our attention when a couple of the Bristol City women, took an unexpected swim at Monmouth Regatta last weekend while innocently trying to throw their cox in the river. Alas, while having relieved the cox of all her valuables, they had not taken the same precaution themselves. A glaring faux pax as the possibility for these occasions to get messy is far too great not to afford to prepare properly. But if that wasn't bad enough they also weren't paying too much attention to just who was lurking in close proximity behind them.

    You can guess the rest. All the slug will add is that, as is expected in such cases, the perpetrator was far too quick on his feet for us to positively identify him as anyone who rows anywhere near the Tideway...

    This individual is a suspected serial offender, he is dangerous and should not be approached alone. If you think you've witnessed an attack, please report it ASAP to the the Slug, we must work together to catch this devient before he causes serious harm.

    Be careful out there...