PARENTAL ADVISORY: THIS RACE CONTAINS...

The slug has been rather disheartened by the increase in swearing on the regatta circuit this season, perhaps it's just the slug's sensitive twitchy feelers but there seems to be a definite trend showing through in the following examples, all overheard over the last few weeks...

1. (from the bank to a crew being dropped by their oppo))
   " come on XXXXXXX, stop f*cking around, and go out and get the f*ckers!"

2. (from the bank to a crew that's established a commanding lead)
   "go on, f*ck all over the c*nts, f*ck right off"

3. (from an over exuberant cox, enjoying leading her race)
   "that's good!... now let's f*ck on them
   next....stroke
   f*ck.....off!!"
   (same club incidentally... different sex crew though...)

4. (an exasperated cox - things not going according to plan)
   "come on, dammit!
   just f*cking go!"

5. (cox to a really rough crew significantly down in a 2 boat race)
   "ok....that's it
   this is the best part of our race
   get...ready
   in.....3
   in.....2
   in.....1
   lets...go!
   f*ck...off
   f*ck...off.....(repeat)"

6. (frequently heard over the last few weeks at Dorney, the Docks, and Reading - usually from stern pair whatever the boat class)
   "get off the f*cking buoys!"

7. (from the 2 seat of a 4- down by about a length on hearing their opposition warned for steering into their lane) "quick, let's hit the c*nts,
   come on bow side... f*cking get in there"

8. and finally, that most despicable occurrence of ungracious behaviour in victory:
   (from someone in the middle of a university eight to their vanquished opponents as they drift, heads down, after crossing the line)

   "f*ck you!"

What is the world coming too...??

WELL I NEVER

The Slug hasn't been spending all that much time on the Cam of late, due to a spot of back trouble (quite impressive for an invertebrate, I know), so was eagerly awaiting the chance to idly munch on the willow down the towpath all Mays week whilst having a bit of a laff at all the quality rowing on offer (not) during the annual Fenland summer festival of comedy rowing.

Well, assuming that after the Foot and Mouth fiasco of the Lents, the Mays weren't going to be cancelled mid-event by reason of some other Curse of Jehovah... A plague of locusts this time maybe? A plague of frogs? Or the Angel of Death descending in the night to slaughter all the first-boat (shurely "first-born"? - Ed)?

Given the few crews that the Slug has actually had the chance to see in action this term, it promised to be a top class Fenland Festival of Comedy Rowing for which not even the flooding and plague of biblical proportions over the winter and spring could provide a credible "lack of training" excuse for some boats.

This surely presaged a never-seen-before level of entertainment for the Slug, with an increased number of pile-ups and smashed shells. Combined with the Slug's favourite pastime for between races - of carrying out a statistical analysis of how this year's lower boats coaches are dealing with those age-old problems of:
a) where to sit the fat muncher who ate all the pies, and
b) where to sit the Completely Uncoordinated Novice Technician (who may or may not be the same person) who stands out like a turd even amongst all the other 7 crap rowers,

this was surely going to be a year to remember.

And what happens? Would you believe it? On the first day, the Slug witnessed not a single pile up, nor a single smashed boat. And a singular lack of fat munchers and C.U.N.T.s in the crew compositions too. WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON? In fact, the Slug would go so far as to say it found itself somewhat bored at the uniformity of the proceedings.

Fings just aren't wot they used to be in the bumps, it seems. Even the raditional jolly student prank of painting your club's crest & colours, along with unfunny and unimaginative slogans, on the road and railway bridges in the middle of the night is no more these days, after the Highways Agency and Railtrack respectively last year threatened to take legal action against any club involved for vandalism, as well as the University saying that it will take action against that club.

This surely provides a wonderful opportunity to nobble the opposition, simply by painting your enemy's crest on said bridges. Unfortunately, to the Slug's immense disappointment, no students yet seem to have cottoned onto such a vile and fiendish - yet oh so simple- scheme.

And these are the cream of our yoof, they say.....(sigh)