YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO DO THAT

Some quality slime from the mainstream press.

ROWING CLUB CHIEF, 48 CAUGHT CHEATING ON WIFE WITH SCHOOLGIRL, AGED 16

bad......

HANGING UP HIS HOOPS

Word on the towpath today indicates that the moment, we were starting to think would never happen, has finally come... Peter Haining has retired from International rowing.

The slug has been informed that this retirement is more than just a passing phase, but whatever "old blue eyes' ends up doing, we wish him well...

VERY DENSE

Now every senior 3 rower knows that yellow paint makes boats go faster but new evidence has recently reached the slug that indicates that blue paint may have the opposite effect. This scientific breakthrough comes by way of the Twickenham rowing club committee who decided that their new Jano IV should be painted white rather than blue because... wait for it....

"blue is heavier".

We can only assume that someone told them that modern technology no longer requires white paint to be made with lead but though the slug has NO DESIRE (please note sad pedants out there -- you know who you are) to be informed of the true relative densities of different coloured boat paint (even if those extra 5g COULD make a difference), we have decided to do a totally un-scientific analysis on the heaviest colour, asking those who count - you the rowers.

So please get interactive and send in your vote.

PASS THE BAG?

Outside of slagging off the boatrace and pretending they love our sport so much, when we win something at the Olympics, rowing doesn't normally make it into the eyeline of the British Tabloid press, so the slug's little twitchy feelers started quivering yesterday on opening the paper edition of the Daily Mirror.

For the article in question, tucked away at the bottom of the page gives a somewhat unflattering opinion of one of our national rowing treasures. Mr Pinsent apparently proving at a debate on the Olymics that he is more than capable of getting his exceedingly large feet into his mouth.

Click on the image below to read on...

ROWING AND TOWING

More entertainment from the slightly mad world of the IC novice women as last Thursday the girlies eight got up to St Pauls only to realise that they'd left their coaches Tom Frankum and Roger Jones behind somewhere.

After spinning and heading back they discovered the missing launch over by the Fulham bank opposite Harrods Village, in the situation that every other crew on the Tideway prays for IC coaches to find themselves in... with a very dead engine.

Being 7pm ish on a Thursday, there weren't any other launches around, so rather than leaving their coaches to carry the launch back, they tied a tow rope round their cox'ns waist and ended up cautiously doing powers strokes in 4's to tow them, zig zagging, all the way back to Putney - being careful not to lose the poor cox in the river and to avoid the need for a conversation with Bill Mason starting with 'so explain how you tore two chunks out of this eight?'...

PRIVATE PARTIES

Sunday saw not one but two closed head races take place on the Tideway, the first was the race between the Hammersmith clubs for the infamous Dewar Shield, which regular slug readers will remember is the thing that's been languishing in forgotteness on the wall of the Sons clubhouse for the last 7 odd years.

Each club put out 4 VIIIs but in spite of Sons best attempts to stack their crews and hold onto it, Auriol Kensington won overall, though the Sons boys din win the men's race.

The results were:

Men: 1st Sons 11.07.58 2nd FSC 11.13.41 3rd AK 11.15.35

Women 1st AK B 11.56.03 2nd AK A 11.59.96 3rd FSC A 12.13.50

The other race, was the annual Remenham head (relocated to the Tideway because of the conditions at Staines). The founding clubs take it in turn to host the event (in alphabetical order), so with Thames and Staines being forced into a double act this year, it looks likely that Twickenham will be hosting next year.

The course was run from Battersea bridge to Craven cottage, not a stretch that even the tideway clubs are more than scantily familiar with, the Heliport at Wandsworth providing an additional source of distraction mid-race.

The event was well very run, the only minor hiccup being a wait to see if the tide had actually turned, though the high standard of marshalling was not surpring as the slug spotted at least five FISA umpires in the starting area ( surely only a matter of time before the event appears on the FISA calendar??).

Thames won overall, helped in part by a miscalculation by LRC who'd needlessly stacked their intermediate VIII at the expense of their Open crew... lulling TRC into a false sense of security for the Boustead cup or just excuses...?? time will tell.

Vesta picked up the women's prize after Thames were attacked by a large crustaceon off the start, losing valuable time, a "bit of a barny" then ensued between the two coxn's as they zig-zagged down the course fighting for the best line.

Much entertainment was had by all, many thanks to those who organised.

Full results follow:

REMENHAM CHALLENGE 2003 - FINAL RESULTS
Finish	Start	Name	Status	Time
1	3	Thames I	MO8+	15.27
2	1	Molesey I	MO8+	15.31
3	2	London I	MO8+	15.37
4	4	London II	MI8+	15.47
5	16	London V	MVB8+	16.01
6	9	London III	MI8+	16.11
7	5	Vesta I	MI8+	16.23
8	13	London IV	MI8+	16.23
9	22	Thames VII	MVC8+	16.24
10	6	Thames II	MI8+	16.28
11	10	Vesta II	MI8+	16.3
12	8	Kingston I	MI8+	16.31
13	12	Kingston II	MI8+	16.34
14	18	Molesey II	MVB8+	16.38
15	7	Staines I	MI8+	16.55
16	11	Thames III	MI8+	16.55
18	20	Thames VI	MVC8+	17.38
19	28	Vesta IV	WI8+	17.48
20	27	Thames X	WI8+	17.54
21	25	Molesey IV	MVE8+	18.01
22	32	Thames XI	WI8+	18.21
23	21	Twickenham I	MVC8+	18.28
17	17	Thames IV	MVB8+	18.34
24	29	Twickenham II	WI8+	18.42
25	40	Thames XV	WJ15 8x+	18.49
26	26	Thames IX	MN8+	18.58
27	23	Molesey III	MVC8+	19.11
28	34	Thames XII	WI8+	19.13
29	39	Molesey VII	WJ16 8+	19.19
30	30	Staines III	WI8+	19.24
31	33	Vesta V	WI8+	19.49
32	36	Molesey VI	WVA8+	20.21
33	37	Thames XIII	WN8+	20.45
34	38	Thames XIV	WN8+	21.52

EL GRANDE WASH-0?

While Dennis the Menace and the Gonz continue to fight it out at the top of the launch poll, it's good to know that Tideway rowers aren't the only ones to suffer from the perennial problem of wash.

A cheeky, but deserving foreign entry comes from the Spanish Armada. Having travelled more than a thousand miles over the New Year to the warmth of Seville and it's Championship course, Tideway scullers were were confronted with what must be the world champions of wash --The Seville tourist boats.

These are about 30ft high and 60ft long and kick up a really exhilarating drowning. One even motored straight into a pack of the infidel pig scullers without so much as a glance. Indeed so bad was the resultant wash that Scrubbers usually mild-mannered club captain was caught on video while surfing past one such tourist barge, calling the skipper a "C U Next Tuesday".

He was later corrected on his Spanish, as the correct term is in fact "cunto" because, as we all know, all foreign words end in "o". e.g. "el bridge-o swan-o" or, when directing Seville taxi drivers ."el rowing-o place-o"...

NOW SUCK SOME EGGS

The tide turned at Hammersmith bridge at 7:30pm yesterday evening but at 9pm at least one coach was directing his crews as if the tide was still going out. In doing so he repeatedly ignored calls from crews in the right place, responding "Oh the water seems to be about stationary here... " - The slug would have hoped that this observation might have have suggested something to him... but never underestimate the arrogance of rowers who think they're right...

Flat water, a bright moon and no wind, all played their part in lulling crews into a false sense of security and deracted from the dangers of a kebab tide, the London pair that got skewered on an eight around the bend at Harrods was the unlucky one this time. Both crews were out without coaching launches, the eight - in the right place according to the tide, the pair in the right place if going by water direction.

Here's a helpful hint - if the water level's rising, it's a good bet that the tide's coming in. If, owing to large amount of land water, the stream direction appears to be running out even though the tide has turned then BE CAREFUL, don't hug the bank round corners and if you see a crew that aren't where you expect them to be... STOP.

Knowing you were right and they were wrong will be cold comfort if you're layed up for 3 months after getting a rigger in the back.

CURIOUS...

It would seem that its not only the oarswomen from IC that have been swimming recently, as just before Christmas, one of their launches was observed floating upside down in the dim pre-dawn light of a mid week morning outing, just upstream of the Beverley Brook...

GET VOTING

2002 / 2003 Launch Poll Who's been washing you down? Imperial College London Thames Scullers Auiol Kensington Tradesmen Twickenham Vesta Sons Furnivall Mortlake UL Putney Town Oxford Uni Cambridge Uni Current Results Create a FREE Alxnet Web Poll

We've been promising it for a while and here it is... your chance to vote for the "King of Wash 2002/2003".

We've gone back to listing entrants by club, rather than specific launch drivers (as the list was just getting too long), but if you feel the need to vent about anyone in particular or want to let the rowing world why your vote goes to one individual, please let us know (slug@twrc.org)

Now the slug realises that the considerate launch drivers out there (and there are a few) deserve a bit of recognition too, so we're more than happy to post "nice" comments too. Meanwhile here are a few reader quotes to keep you amused...

"how about a mention for the UL college crews. Judging from the demonstrated skills their crews show, their coaches (despite usually being three up in the launch) cant be having much effect, so they might as well save their petrol and stay at home, which will cut the wash around Chiswick by a huge margin. "

"my message to IC would be "do unto others as you would have done to yourselves". An early season outing in a double was made extremly dicy at a few points by Mr Dennis and and a couple of friends following a flotilla of eights up and down the river. Seeing my stern canvas completely submerged on otherwise flat calm water was not reasssuring from my novice perspective. This has been followed by watching them wash down my crews on a regular basis. Despite all this, I still tend to slow down or stop for IC, but for any IC oarsmen that do get any of my wash, your cheery cries of C**t! You absolute F**king C**t" will continue to fall on deaf ears until your own coaches moderate their behaviour"

"You're missing Quintin from the chart, whose launch Chernobyl deserves a mention for Saturday morning's performance - while an eight was trying to keep with London's 3 or 4 eights, Chernobyl was on the Middlesex bank just below Chiswick bridge, passing about a dozen scullers, including some wobbly Emmanuel boys, at a distance of about 6 feet. Even Gonzo would have learned something from that (not much, admittedly). "

"I don't know his club (Dulwich college...ED) , but the ponce in the NatWest silver tin fish goes right to the top. When threatened by novice scullers bearing down on him he slammed the engines on full, tacked one way, then the other, back again and then shot off at high speed."

"That idiot from Thames is an absolute wan*er when driving the launch. On one occasion he was tight to the arse of his crappy underperforming quad coming past st pauls steps forcing other crews to go outside of his launch. I called him a c*nt and he sped off washing me down. Then one of the other TRC launches apologised on his behalf, which was amusing. He deserves to win and get a good tw*tting. "

"This past Sunday, the London Armada was out in full force, heading up the river in no less than 5 - 8's - abreast. While a somewhat considerate Readie held back to allow us little pairs and singles to sneak past, our good buddy Gonzo was full throttle WITH a co-pilot - like his launch could have sat any lower - screaming after his lads no less than 4 feet behind the 8's."

"Oxford uni were shocking on sunday behind their trial eights through chiswick. whole river unrowable for several minutes."

"For the record, as a Thames member I've found the IC coaches remarkably, well, nice."

"I can reassure you that IC are not going to give in easily. Only this morning, as I pulled in to let two of their eightsplus coach (not Bill, I think) pass, I was impressed by the way the launch driver maintained eye contact with me all the way past, with not a movement of wheel or throttle. I managed to avoid shipping any water, so didn't resort to verbal abuse (this being my criterion). But you can think it, can't you..."

YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT

The slug felt a shiver of sympathy after hearing that a women's bowloader coxed IV from Imperial College, went for a swim outside of Scrubbers late last Wednesday afternoon (that's the day it snowed incase you'd forgotten).

Now, quite how one goes about rolling a coxed IV is one of those mysteries in life... but doing it just at the moment the esteemed Mr Mason apparently took over control from the girls normal coach, was truely above and beyond the call of duty.

Bill quickly put in a call for help and the coaches then went about rescuing the striken crew, ensuring they all got to the bank and under a nice hot shower before hyoptheria set in (and long before the men in orange finally turned up).

Brrrrrrrr....