It’s early season, I’m coach and I can tell there’s something wrong
All through the winter, the eight’s been heavy work to grind along,
Up in the bows, I thought I had a high performance oarsman,
I think I’m wrong, but have to put performance before pride,
So take him aside;
“You’re going sculling, on your own
When you’re not in an outing the whole crew goes skipping home,
You know you’re sculling, please don’t shout
The eight is better off with someone taller, thinner,
You’re out.”
He’s really short but, he said he was just over six foot three,
He’s also hairy, he looks just like a rowing chimpanzee,
He rowed for Brookes - I guess he didn’t seem quite so unusual,
But now he’s here, I have to coach him increasingly hard,
‘Cause he’s got lard
“You’re going sculling, find a boat
I only hope we have one that’ll take your gut and float,
No buts you’re sculling, please just go,
There isn’t the remotest chance I‘ll, ever, get you,
To row”
We feel such shame
When the crew take the boat above their heads
Look at the bow end - there crouches a hairy short clown,
Reach up - his shorts will fall down
He’s at the catch now, I see around a foot of builder’s crack,
He has to row bow, or we could lose a guy when he pushed back,
We raced him once, but in the end he did us all a favour,
After the start, the cox would call his name out in a shout,
Then he’d jump out
“You’re going sculling, catch high tide
Just tuck in your love handles so they don’t foul up the slide,
Look just go sculling, if you please,
just scull around the corner and then capsize, where I, will not, ever,
Ever see”
“You’re going sculling, on your own
When you’re not in an outing the whole crew goes skipping home,
You know you’re sculling, please don’t shout
The eight is better off with someone taller, thinner,
You’re out.”
[Rap Performed By Garry Herbert]
Silence falls across the land
A training eight is close at hand
Athletes tense, desire to win,
Hearts thumping with adrenalin
And then they’re off – a flying start
Bow erupts a mighty fart
They lose a length because of it,
Collapsing in a laughing fit
The foulest stench is in the air
Downwind of bow they’re losing hair
The coxon steers a ragged route
Not easy in a bio-suit
And though you give us quite a laugh
For everybodys health
The bottom line is crystal clear
You’re sculling by yourself
